S&S is Better than S&M
by sanicpanic
Summary: Shrek and Shadow are deeply in love. They like spending time together and making bread. Truly, they're the perfect couple. But a murder of an innocent man forces the two lovers to hide the evidence. What will happen to them next? Will our unlikely pair get out of this unscathed? Read and find out!


"HARDER!" SCREAMED SHADOW HAPPILY. They were pounding dough to make fresh bread.

"I CAN'T. IT'S TOO HARD!"

Shrek smiled upon the nood bread before him. "Ah yes, my lass." He gently caressed it in the palm of his hand. Shrek gave it a hearty smack.

Shrek was apparently scottish.

Shadow smiled approvingly. "I love it when you stroke it like that"

Shrek said "I'll do it some more if you like"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. You are perf 100%. you're so nood" Shadow moaned.

Nood. Shrek liked that word a lot.

The bread was feeling left out of all the fun. "Smack me again, you manly beast!" It said

Shrek nooded in agreement. "Ok." And then proceeded to smack the everloving shit out of the bread like it was a cheap ho and he was its pimp.

The bread died. It became too flat and ripped (like you're mom's boobs). The bread screamed in pain.

"We have to hide the body," Shadow said sadly, "I don't want you to go to jail"

"You be the Bonnie to my Clyde, Shadow," Shrek whispered gently. "Together, we shall pillage, my love."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Shadow roared.

Shrek grabbed Shadow and threw him over on top of his shoulder. "Let us run, lovely!"

He threw the bread in a Ziploc bag before stuffing it down the kitchen sink drain.

"I saw this episode of breaking bad once and they dissolved the body. We should do that it looked fun." Shadow said eagerly.

Shrek and Shadow then proceeded to accidentally blow up their house.

Shadow gasped. "Oh honey that was so romantic."

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas." Shrek exclaimed with a leap, but then he broke his leg on a piece of their house.

Later, at the doctor's office, the doctor was finishing examining Shrek's leg.

"We have to cut it off." the doctor said sadly.

"Oh god why? Does this mean no more whacking of bread? This is not nood." said Shadow.

"I don't whack bread with me leg, lass," Shrek leaned it closer. "Unless you want me to."

"Well its as big as a leg so dont be upset i got it confused as one"

"What's as big as a leg? Me arm? Me leg? Me nose?" Shrek waggled his non existent eyebrows.

"YOUR DICK" SHAdoW SHOUTED "WHAT ELSE? GOD"

"Me heart? I have a big ol' heart."

"NOOOPE YO DING DONG" SHADOW SCREECHED

"Ding dong? That's the sound a bell makes! I thought it was dinges" Shrek exclaimed.

"Dong ding."

DoctorWho waltzed in. "Get in me Tardis, ya kiddies I like custard hhheehehehe." He then blew up.

John Handcock walked in. "I have a big boooner signature."

Thomas Edison strolled his booty in. " Your boooner is electrifying!"

Franz Ferdinand waddled on in. "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG thats a huge boooner."

Shadow gasped. "Oh my! Where are all of these men coming from?"

"My butt." Shrek said.

"Well of course but why are they coming here now? They usually only pop out on wednesdays."

"Well, today is a different day. And I shall reflect upon myself in the glory of the setting sun. We shall reminisce upon the good and the bad. What is the purpose of life? To find happiness? To find love? No, it would be to find both. And live! We shall live! All bow down to me! Baby, Don't you agree?" Shrek went on a long monologue that the writer will not bother to type.

"SHREK SHUT THE FUCK UP" Edison said.

Shadow said "Edison's got sass in the ass."

"I got me a fine booty. My mommy n' daddy gave me this nooooice piece of skin n' fat.

Shadow then slapped said fine booty.

"Me booty is piece of finer work! It gives you more bang for more buck!" Shrek exclaimed, doing a little dance.

Shadow cheered enthusiastically to encourage shrek's promiscuous behavior. "Take it off!"

Shrek did as he was told and tore all his skin off and placed it in a neat pile. He started bleeding everywhere.

Shadow cried.

~~~~ Two Days Later~~~~

The funeral was sad. Many tears were shed over the tragic loss of Shrek's life. Shadow would need years of therapy afterwards to get rid of the crippling guilt that overtook his life for being responsible for his lover's death. He was the one who said "take it off", after all.

Nine months later, shadow's first and only child was born. The child's skin was soft and flaky, and its skin was a warm and toasty brown colour. Shadow cried. The bread child would never understand why his parent didn't love him. After years of raising his child, Shadow eventually leaves to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and never returned.

~~~The End.~~~


End file.
